I must write a disclaimer here. I mean no disrespect to anyone with this poem. I wrote this days after Kate Spade committed suicide. I was walking up my stairs at home and I thought, “Brilliant. Hanging with a scarf. I have never even thought of that.” As one who has suffered with depression, I know that I am sometimes just tired. Mentally tired. The thoughts racing in my mind. I love life. I love recovery. I love growing. I love sharing through words. That is what this poem is about. It is not about suicide.
My grief made me vomit sobs.
The pain was not palatable.
My advice to my daughter today is…
I know people who live a life one foot in front of the other.
Save draft. I am feeling a bit anxious this morning. A bit in my head. Thoughts racing. What to do. What to do? I want to sit here and watch the birds outside my window. Watch them eat. Food provided by my benevolent husband. It is a paradox. We feed them so we can watch them. They fascinate us. It is for us. It is for our entertainment. Is it really an act of giving? We think we must be the source of their food for the winter. I want to watch them and escape. I am writing today in my Gmail because Gmail will save my draft. I woke up with anxiety this morning as I do most mornings. I began to panic that I didn’t have the necessary backup for my computer. I have so many things to do in 2017. I need to ensure that my writings are saved. I am just not up to it today. So writing in my Gmail is my solution today. It will automatically save this. One thing I am good at is finding solutions. I panic a little; then I move on. There is no time for frying in panic. Frying in panic. Frying seems to be the opposite of marinating. Marinating is stewing in something. Letting it sit. Panic doesn’t do that. Panic takes a hold of you and it makes you done. Fried. I have a lot to do in 2017 and one thing I will do is to continue looking for solutions.